By CHAD KULTGEN
NEW YORK -- Federal investigators have
arrested an enigmatic Wall Street wiz on insider-trading charges -- and
incredibly, he claims to be a time-traveler from the year 2256!
Sources at the Security and Exchange Commission confirm that
44-year-old Andrew Carlssin offered the bizarre explanation for his uncanny
success in the stock market after being led off in handcuffs on January 28.
"We don't believe this guy's story -- he's either a lunatic or a
pathological liar," says an SEC insider.
"But the fact is, with an
initial investment of only $800, in two weeks' time he had a portfolio valued at
over $350 million. Every trade he made capitalized on unexpected business
developments, which simply can't be pure luck.
"The only way he could
pull it off is with illegal inside information. He's going to sit in a jail cell
on Rikers Island until he agrees to give up his sources."
The past year
of nose-diving stock prices has left most investors crying in their beer. So
when Carlssin made a flurry of 126 high-risk trades and came out the winner
every time, it raised the eyebrows of Wall Street watchdogs.
"If a
company's stock rose due to a merger or technological breakthrough that was
supposed to be secret, Mr. Carlssin somehow knew about it in advance," says the
SEC source close to the hush-hush, ongoing investigation.
When
investigators hauled Carlssin in for questioning, they got more than they
bargained for: A mind-boggling four-hour confession.
Carlssin declared
that he had traveled back in time from over 200 years in the future, when it is
common knowledge that our era experienced one of the worst stock plunges in
history. Yet anyone armed with knowledge of the handful of stocks destined to go
through the roof could make a fortune.
"It was just too tempting to
resist," Carlssin allegedly said in his videotaped confession. "I had planned to
make it look natural, you know, lose a little here and there so it doesn't look
too perfect. But I just got caught in the moment."
In a bid for
leniency, Carlssin has reportedly offered to divulge "historical facts" such as
the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden and a cure for AIDS.
All he wants is
to be allowed to return to the future in his "time craft."
However, he
refuses to reveal the location of the machine or discuss how it works,
supposedly out of fear the technology could "fall into the wrong hands."
Officials are quite confident the "time-traveler's" claims are bogus.
Yet the SEC source admits, "No one can find any record of any Andrew Carlssin
existing anywhere before December 2002."
Weekly World News will continue
to follow this story as it unfolds. Keep watching for further developments.